So ashamed...

Hey faithful blog readers. So I believe I ended my last blog by commenting (or at least intending to comment) that life isn't too exciting right now. Besides homework and the same stuff that happens week in and week out, as of yesterday I was officially drying up.

So there I was at school for the second time in one day, intending to get lots of homework done because I tend to be the world's best (or worst??) procrastinator at home, so I figured I'd try my hand at an academic environment where people were working all around me inspiring me to do the same. Well no such luck. So there I sat in the...uh...I'm not sure what to call it...it's a sunken working area where Robin's Donuts used to be right when you walk into the Ed building from the Riddell Center. Anyway. It happened that some of my friends (all at different times) came by and decided to sit and chat--one for half an hour, and the other for an hour and a half. At the beginning of each conversation I was my chipper self, but as the conversations went on I got grouchier and grouchier. I love my friends, please don't get me wrong...but I REALLY needed to work yesterday and yet again I didn't get anything accomplished. AHHH...anyway. SO this in addition to some other things bothering me lately (which shall remain nameless for all intensive purposes) I had a bad attitude. The whole homework thing began consuming me and I got pretty cranky. My friend (the last one who came and sat down with me) came with me to get some soup from Common Ground and we ate in a mad rush in order to get to young adults last night at Hillsdale b/c she'd decided to come with me to Hillsdale--which was weird for her b/c it's not her church and she never comes to young adults there...at the end of the night she told me she kinda shocked herself too by wanting to come to Hillsdale and that God must've had a divine plan for her being there. Keep reading.

So there I was sitting in the Hillsdale basement, worrying myself so much about homework, my lack of money, and about various other irritants that crept up on me yesterday, that I was physically making myself ill. I was seconds away from getting up to leave when things were called to order and the "agenda" for the Concert of Prayer we were about to have was announced, hence making it more awkward for me to just get up from where I was sitting and just leave.

We began with some worship and although I was singing loudly enough, I sure wasn't meaning or thinking about any of the words I was singing. After the first set of songs there was an opportunity to meditate on some verses from John that described who we are in Christ and to just pray about those. That was the breaking point I think. Having to face God in His presence with a rotten attitude is humbling, especially when you see others around you humbly seeking Him as well. My attitude started to improve and I began to thank God that I was there--my bad attitude about certain things still remained, but it faded into the background which was marvelous! So after that time of meditation and prayer came the second set of songs. At this time I was starting to really get into what I was singing--I began meaning what I was singing. About halfway through my singing though, I had my eyes closed until I heard a sharp hissing "SHHHHH" just behind me. I opened my eyes and my head shot around to see who was there, and there were empty couches all around me since people had dispersed around the room for their own individual areas to pray in. I immediately felt a little weirded out, and kinda pushed it to the back of my brain b/c I was going to keep worshiping--things were going well finally. The last song of the set was beginning and I began singing sincerely again until the "SHHHHHH!!" happened again, only this time it was louder. If I had chalked it up to somebody's lisp, that theory was annihilated b/c there was NO possible way a lisp of somebody across the room in the middle of a song could be heard that loudly. Again I turned around--nobody.

I began to get a good idea (or so I thought, and am still not sure) of what was going on. The "SHHH" happened most strongly during the third set of songs and I figured that it was one of Satan's ploys to get me to go back into the muddled messes in the corners of my mind, the place I was at at the beginning of the COP. I had made somewhat of a spiritual breakthrough and he was trying to physically distract me from being able to worship.

HOWEVER...after the COP ended and I had moseyed around talking to people and after I'd finished watching "ice bucket curling" (that was cool--haha "cool") in the basement and I was ready to leave, I went and found my friend who had come with me and told her I was leaving if she wanted a ride home. She agreed to the ride and we went upstairs to get our coats on. This is when she told me what had gone on during the COP. Earlier in the evening (just after the COP was done) she was standing holding hands with an Asian woman, which I didn't pay much attention to besides thinking "Oh, that's nice--they must know each other from an ISM potluck). WELL IT TURNS OUT that the reason why this woman was gripping my friend's hand was because during the silent prayer and meditation time, this woman had recognized my friend and wanted her to come talk. So my friend agreed after thinking to herself, "Doesn't this woman understand? This is personal prayer time!" So they went and found a private room to talk in and this woman said to her that before the end of the year she wanted to become a Christian and find out more about baptism. My friend's jaw dropped and she said, "Why wait?" The woman agreed, and my friend prayed with her and the woman was ecstatic. SHE BECAME A CHRISTIAN!!!

When my friend was telling me all of this, I had a number of things running through my head.
1. If that wasn't Satan downstairs trying to annoy me during my worship time, then he was riled up b/c right above me in a little room, a cute Asian lady was sincerely dedicating her LIFE to Christ.
2. SHAME. Shame for not wanting to be there at the beginning. Shame for being irritated at school when my friends sat down and took all my homework time and shame for not seeing that God had my one friend sit down and come to C and C with me for a divine purpose--I was resentful of His divine purpose. Man I'm a schmuck. I especially felt like a schmuck in front of God when I drove my friend home. I'd been lamenting about money issues to her while we were chatting at school b/c things are pretty tight right now. During my chat with my brother the other day we talked about how thankful we are to have vehicles that are reliable, but we agreed how we frequently resent it when people see that we have vehicles and automatically assume that we're made of time and money and live to drive them everywhere. (sorry...I needed that little vent :) SO ANYWAY, while dropping my friend off at her house my bad attitude had been stomped out by God, b/c it was clear He wanted me to drive my friend to and from C and C so she could be used in eternally making a difference in somebody's life--God used me that way! So I was feeling humiliated about that--but you know, God expects us to be practical, too, with the resources He's given. Yes, sometimes we have to step out in faith, but at the same time, He gave us a rational brain for a reason.

So I pulled up to my friend's door and out comes $20 and she shoves it in my face. She told me how over the course of the evening God had told her to give me $20 to help me pay my phone bill. Jennifer, can you say "ASHAMED???" After last night I sure can...

It's amazing how God works despite us, huh? WOW.

Hope you guys see God at work today. Look for it--He's working, and it's our job not to ask Him to join OUR efforts, but to seek Him and ask where we can join the work He's already doing.